I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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