Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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