you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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