matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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