It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
