The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
