you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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