I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
