first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
