I think my vagina is haunted
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
