I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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