how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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