yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I need moral support for this bender
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
