you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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