If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
