i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
