I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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