i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
