i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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