I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
