i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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