Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
