I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
