WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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