Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
