I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
