i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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