It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
