I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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