I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
