My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
