There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
