I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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