You smell like stripper and shame
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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