Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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