After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize