That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Boobs are out for the taking
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
