I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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