Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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