He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
