Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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