How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
