I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize