The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
