Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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