I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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