Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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