I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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