well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
