I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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