Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize