i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
