For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize