Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
