and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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