I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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