If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize