My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
