What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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