Please, let me fuck your mom
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My breasts were aching with rage.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
