You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
