I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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